Why We're So Lonely (And What We Can Do About It)
Loneliness is a universal human experience. At some point in our lives, every one of us will feel it. For some of us, it's a familiar companion. For others, it's a quiet whisper we don't even recognize for what it is.
I've experienced loneliness at many different points in my life.
In middle and high school, I hid in the bathroom during lunch because I was too embarrassed to sit alone in the cafeteria.
During my freshman year of college, I spent more time hiding in my dorm room than making friends. By the second month of the semester, the only friendships I'd started had already fizzled, and I watched everyone else seem to effortlessly find their people.
Years later, while living in Melbourne, Australia, I watched Friends almost every day because it was the closest thing I had to feeling like I was spending time with friends.
When I moved back to Atlanta, it felt like everyone else's lives had continued without me. I remember sitting alone in my apartment on a Friday night after texting several people to see if they wanted to get together. Some never responded. Others said no. Each one felt like confirmation that I didn't belong.
I've even felt lonely while in a romantic relationship. And I felt lonely again after it ended, navigating life on my own while many of my friends were entering a completely different stage of life—getting married and having babies.
Loneliness carries so much shame. It’s not something we really talk about with each other, so we can feel like we’re the only ones struggling in this way. And ironically that shame can actually make it even harder to create connections
But here's the truth: this is a societal problem, not an personal failure.
Recent surveys suggest that 50–60% of U.S. adults experience loneliness or emotional disconnection at least some of the time, with 20-30% experiencing it chronically. Depending on the study, between 8–12% of adults report having no close friends, a figure that has quadrupled since the 90s.
There are probably many, many reasons for this, but here are a few.
For one, modern life has become remarkably disconnected. Convenience has replaced many of the everyday interactions that once naturally occured. We order groceries online, have meals delivered, and work remotely. While none of these things are inherently bad, they reduce the small moments of connection that can add up to feeling connected to our community.
I also think many of us are uncomfortable with relational discomfort. We’ve developed a tendency to label conflict as a sign that something is wrong instead of recognizing that healthy relationships require repair. Most of us were never taught how to have difficult conversations or work through conflict – especially within friendships.
And then there's the simple reality that friendship takes time.
Researchers estimate it takes roughly:
40–60 hours to become a casual friend,
80–100 hours to become a good friend,
and more than 200 hours together to develop a close friendship.*
*This process can be sped up if the hours are spent in heart-to-heart conversation, creating shared memories and done consistently.
Most of us are busy. We're juggling careers, families, responsibilities, and endless to-do lists. Friendship often gets pushed to "next week," even though it's one of the things we need most. Or maybe we’re on the other end of that, and whenever we try to make plans with friends, we can never get past the scheduling phase.
For those of us who have experienced relational trauma, there's another challenge. Opening ourselves up to new people can feel really scary. If we've experienced rejection or betrayal before, staying guarded feels much safer. But without vulnerability—without allowing ourselves to be truly seen—we’ll never feel the sense of belonging we crave. Brene Brown, a sociological research and a personal hero of mine, says that being ourselves is a prerequisite to belonging - as opposed to fitting in, which requires us to change who we are to become more like the group. (Watch her explain here.)
The encouraging news is that research continues to affirm something humans have known all along: we were made for connection. Meaningful relationships don't just improve our mental and emotional well-being; they also benefit our physical health and even our longevity.
Building community is hard. It's messy. It requires courage. It requires risking rejection and choosing vulnerability anyway. Finding your people can take time. It takes trial and error. It takes showing up again after disappointment. But I believe it's worth it.
